Dr. Grimm’s Unreleased Patient Files of Famous Fairy Tale Characters
You know their stories, but do you understand their trauma?
Thanks to the Enchanted Records Transparency Act, the long-sealed case files of Wilhelm Grimm—the renowned therapist to fairy tale icons—have been declassified. For the first time, the public can explore his patient records, uncovering the hidden traumas that shaped these most beloved (and feared) characters.
The Big Bad Wolf
Diagnosis: Carnivorous Impulse Control, Sociopathic Tendencies
Notes: The client has a persecution complex. He claims he’s a victim of a smear campaign by “the pork lobby” and its relentless pro-pig media agenda. Says huffing and puffing is “a cultural expression.” Wolf filed a grievance with the “Carnivore Coalition for a Fairer Food Chain.”
When faced with undeniable evidence — shredded clothing and conveniently wolf-shaped holes in houses — he dismissed it as circumstantial. “Those pigs were asking for it.” His motto seems to be, “If they weren’t so delicious, I wouldn’t have bothered.”
Refuses anger management, stating, “Real wolves don’t do therapy.” I made him write an apology letter to the pigs. He ate it.
Prognosis: Progress will be slow.
Hansel and Gretel
Diagnosis: Codependency, Gastronomical Exhibitionism
Notes: Siblings put themselves at risk for free food or social media validation. Hansel relapsed after sniffing a gingerbread-scented candle. Gretel, a savior wannabe, enables her brother. Hansel says one more candy cane to “take the edge off.”
They finish each other’s sentences and desserts. They are enmeshed in a symbiotic cycle of confectionary self-destruction.
When I recommended meal prepping without candy, Hansel burst out in tears while Gretel accused me of carb-shaming.
They post every meal on their joint Instagram account (#SweetLife #CandyGoals), where they live-stream their trauma bond.
Prognosis: Existential Sugar Coma.
The Witch in the Gingerbread House
Diagnosis: Severe Isolation Anxiety, Culinary Borderline Personality Disorder.
Notes: She maintains the children entered willingly, though she concedes that the trail of breadcrumbs ‘may’ have been misleading. She says, “Back in my day, you could fatten a kid without getting a restraining order.”
Defends her high-fructose corn syrup house, saying, “What? Am I supposed to live in a stick hut? How’d that work out for the pigs?”
To avoid a conflict of interest while treating both her and Hansel and Gretel, we are relying on an airtight NDA.
Despite her reprehensible methods, a generous interpretation suggests she’s merely seeking connection in a society that isolates the elderly — hence her unwavering commitment to trapping and fattening children, which she insists is community outreach.
Prognosis: Sent her to the Italian-Mothers-who-Stuff-their-Sons support group. She’s now running it — franchise pending.
Goldilocks
Diagnosis: Chronic Thermal Entitlement, Property Law Delusions
Notes: Goldilocks sees the world as her bespoke Airbnb — sampling, critiquing, and helping herself to whatever food she pleases. She remains aggressively anti-ursine, convinced bears are unfairly gatekeeping vibe-perfect porridge.
Has no concept of private property or personal space. She frames multiple B&E charges as content creation.
“If they didn’t want me to sample their lifestyle, they shouldn’t have curated it so well. Sure, I emptied the fridge, but I left a five-star Yelp review.”
Her followers praise her adventurous spirit.
Prognosis: Third-degree grand larceny feels too small for her behavior, while first-degree larceny is too large. I suggest second-degree is “just right.”
Little Red Riding Hood
Diagnosis: Chronic Stranger-Danger Blindness, Acute Oversharing Syndrome
Notes: Patient exhibits a hereditary inability to distinguish between friendly grandmothers and predatory wildlife. Initial suspicion of Prosopagnosia (face blindness) has been revised to Animal-to-Grandma Dysmorphia.
Enrolled in remedial Wolf-Spotting, but progress is hindered by her emotional support animal — a Siberian Husky named Wolfie.
Mother’s parenting style — less helicopter, more drunken, blind parasailing. No internet parental controls. Patient routinely overshares personal details with sketchy online woodland creatures. Recently catfished by a wolf posing as a Nigerian frog prince peddling yummy shortbread cottage timeshares.
Waiting room incident: Goldilocks mocked Red’s attire as “Ren’ Faire disaster meets preschool dress-up bin.” She responded by trying to peel off Goldilocks’ “wolf disguise” while screaming, “Reveal yourself, wolf-demon!”
Prognosis: Surprisingly promising.
Ugh, I'm so tired of the pro-pig media and all their bacon conspiracies!
Have fun doing the Greek Gods!